i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
