She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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