it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
