Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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