my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
