I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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