It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
