So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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