my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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