i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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