So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
