Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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