Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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