At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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