can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if only i could text you this smell
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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