a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
