I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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