Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
