Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
