Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
