last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
