News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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