my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
