You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
