My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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