Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
