I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
