Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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