I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
