I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
