haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
