there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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