I must be too annoying 4 u.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
