I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
