after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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