she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
