I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize