He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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