my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
