do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
