I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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