I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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