Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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