i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
