im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
