I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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