literally had 100 drinks last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
