What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
