I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
