Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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