My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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