Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just threw up on my dentist
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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