watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
