omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
